VOLCANO FUCKER--Scene 3

3. EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS

It's a cabin in the woods, the sort that a mean old man would probably live in. It's all disrepaired and ramshackle, and there are racoons and shit running all over. A truck pulls into view, and the audience is THRILLED to discover that it's the Volcano Fucker's truck. Finally! That establishing shot of the cabin was a whole ten or so seconds with no hunky Australian guy in the picture.

The truck opens and out steps Volcano Fucker, and the Mayor steps out of the other side, and she's looking so damp and dishevelled that you wonder if maybe she had it off with Volcano Fucker on the way up here, which is a distinct possibility.

Volcano Fucker zips up his fly.

The front door of the cabin FLIES open and out steps WOODROW REAGAN, this old guy who refuses to move off the mountain like these movies always have.

WOODROW REAGAN
Git offa my property, you dern city kids!

MAYOR
Woodrow, you need to move off the mountain
before the volcano explodes all over your cabin!
I've told you several times!

WOODROW REAGAN
Flazzem floo! I've live on this here mountain
for dern on flazzee years and I'll be murfle
mum dern flizzemed if I'm a-gonna move
off of it!

VOLCANO FUCKER
Pardon me, old man, but I think if you
check, you'll find that you forgot to put in
your dentures in your haste to yell at the
city folk.

The old man checks his shrivelled jaw and realizes that Volcano Fucker is right, so he RUNS back into the cabin. Volcano Fucker shares a look with the Mayor that speaks volumes about something, and soon the old man comes back out, and his face looks normal because he put his teeth in.

WOODROW REAGAN
Terribly sorry about that. I seldom receive
visitors and tend to forget my manners.
(he sounds British now...talk to
some of those British actors from
Harry potter)
Now, I've made my position clear, madam
Mayor. I simply will not be moved from this
mountain. It is my ancestral home.

MAYOR
(desperate)
But it'll spew hot lava all over you, possibly
on your face!
(the Mayor dabs at her
face with a hanky)
I mean, hot smoky lava! From the volcano!

The Mayor points up at the VOLCANO, and there's a big swooping cgi shot like something out of LORD OF THE RINGS [check and see if maybe we can use some of their Mount Doom shit they have lying around]. The audience will be totally impressed with how much money we spent.

The Volcano Fucker strikes a dramatic pose.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Mr. Reagan, we need to get you off of this
mountain faster than a wallaby goes fingo
off a drubber!

[We should do some reasearch to see if any of that is actual Australian slang.]

WOODROW REAGAN
My lord, you're Australian, aren't you? Could
it be...that you are the legendary Volcano
Fucker?

VOLCANO FUCKER
It could be, and is, sir. I mean to fuck your
smoky lava volcano, if you'll pardon my
lingo, and I mean to roger it good, like a
slubba drings a golla-wandoo.

WOODROW REAGAN
Your Australian slang is quite eccentric.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Thank you.

The Mayor is sort of jogging in place and looking really anxious and sometimes touching her boobs.

MAYOR
We need to get him off the mountain!

VOLCANO FUCKER
The sheila's right, by crikey! You don't
want to be around when I lay it to this
volcano, Woodrow.

WOODROW REAGAN
Well, I wasn't afraid of a little eruption, but
this is a different story! Hold on while I pack
my things.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Let me give you a hand, old-timer.
(he looks at the Mayor)
I like to "pack" "things", if you get
my meaning, madam.
(he drops a huge wink
and helpfully
points to it so
everybody notices)

MAYOR
(multiple orgasming)
Hurry!