I Was on a Boat

I spent the last few days with Jill's family at Jordanelle State Park, which is one of those great state campgrounds that is to camping as watching pornography is to fucking hot girls. The place even has a playground with a brightly-colored jungle gym structure, just in case your kids get tired of playing in nature. Despite the frankly ridiculous claims that staying here is "camping" by any stretch, I had a good time, and we went out on the boat several times over the 4-day stay.

Here are some things that happened:

1. Day one, I got a massive sunburn on my scalp that actually leaked pus for two days all over my pillowcase. This was disgusting, and I felt like a leper. Good thing they had showers on-site.

2. Jill and I slept in a "two-person tent", with my dog. Please note that the "two-person tent" designation is an exaggeration even without the dog, who doesn't really know how to keep to herself. For any future tent-sleeping, we're going to have to acquire a "two-person and dog with huge ass tent".

3. I played Clue for the first time in maybe 15 years. For those of you who think this is a boring game, let me tell you how to spice it up: read all of your suggestions and accusations as dramatically as possible in the voice of the character you are playing. I was Colonel Mustard (because, seriously, why would you play anyone else), and many of my suggestions went like this:

(With pompous English accent.) "Professor Plum! You hide behind the facade of a mild-mannered academician, but beneath that false exterior lies the trecherous heart of a murderer! I suggest that YOU, Professor, did commit this terrible dead HERE, in the ballroom, in the dead of night like the sneakthief that you are, with that most opportunistic of weapons: the candlestick!"

The best part is that when you are so loud in your accusations, you wake up Jill's parents from their afternoon naps.

Anyway, try it the next time your child wants to play Clue. You'll find the time just flies.

4. I was telling Jill's son what I assumed were bullshit stories about the town that had been submerged when the reservoir was formed, and everybody called me out on my fiction. Then, upon returning home, I checked out the Jordanelle Reservoir Wikipedia page to find that not one, but TWO towns were drowned, which pleases me to no end, and when I see Nanda in a couple days I shall be totally vindicated. I love it when my silly lies turn out to not only be the truth, but when the truth is more extreme than I was lying about.

However, I think my stories about late-night lake ghosts are probably still poppycock.