GUEST BLOGGER: For the Moon Is Hollow, and I Have Humped It in the Moon-Butt

(In honor of the Apollo 11 anniversary, I offer this semi-topical re-posting of a classic BLOGTRONIC blog.)

-----

Sci-Fi, MUTHUHFUCKAHS.

So, I was flying around in my space-ship the other day...oh, DIDN'T I MENTION MY SPACE-SHIP? Silly me. Yeah, I have a space-ship. It's totally retro-future and it looks like a giant penis. I once flew it into a black hole and had intercourse with eternity.

TRUE STORY.

In fact, I'd stabbed many a heavenly body with my warp-drive phallus, but never the moon. Just never got around to it. Until today. I was zipping around the solar system, sticking my nose-cone into various rings and asteroids and nebulae and whatnot, when HOLY SHIT I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE MOON suddenly popped into my head like your sister pops into Planned Parenthood. (Like, every other week, am I right, people? Damn, your sister's a slut.)

Well, shucks! The moon has never tasted my space seed? Time to rectify that situation PRONTO. So I whipped the Starlit Sodomizer around and high-tail-finned it (don't you love these space-ship puns I'm making all over the place? It makes shit more SPACEY!) to Luna, which is what they call the moon in science fiction books from the 50s that take place in a future where people live on it. Well, let me tell you...by the time I'd planted the Sodomizer into my favorite crater and blasted out to have a bit of a hover-around, I realized pretty damned quick that Robert A. Heinlein and his cronies were smoking far finer shit than mine, because kids: IT'S THE FUCKING FUTURE, and there ain't nothing up there but rocks, more rocks, and some Big Mac wrappers left behind by the Apollo guys. The moon is emptier than a scrotum in a porno booth (after, say, 4 minutes), deader than a coyote in an anvil factory, and more barren than your adoptive mother's womb.

EXCEPT.

There's a totally hot babe there.

A totally hot ROBO-BABE.

Uh-oh...

Awkward situation here, folks. See, my on-again-off-again relationship with the divine and eminently fuckable Ms. DOS is currently in full on-again mode. The sweet little can of peaches here could seriously flip the switch on Ms. DOS to off-again status, perhaps permanently. She might even decide to get the switch REMOVED. Because in the history of our tumultuous partnering, I have never cheated on my beloved...with a robot. We both have had our share of human lovers, because, what's a human? You know how you guys have those RealDolls? Yeah, that's sort of what you are to us. Playthings. Don't get me wrong, I've had very deep feelings for a human or two...but some people fall in love with their World of Warcraft characters, okay? Don't judge.

But dizzamn, check out the specs on this hot little number!

I was feeling a tad lonely. I'd departed the Fortress of Solitude under rather icy circumstances, and I'd been flying around Bumfuck, Milky Way for the past...umm...STARMONTH, so you have to understand that the sight of this little electro-filly was enough to get the lube pumping through my Essential Pleasuring Systems.

She noticed me standing there bug-eyeing her, so she slowly swivelled on her uni-wheel and fixed me with two of the zappiest receptors I'd ever seen. "See anything you like?" she buzzed.

I knew the voice immediately. "Ms. DOS? But...but what..." Then it hit me. "You had a new CHASSIS installed?"

She rolled over to me. "It's only temporary. I could tell things were getting a bit...stale. So I thought you might like to plug into some strange."

"How'd you know I would come to the moon?"

"I did a little programming one night while you were sleeping." She batted those beautiful laser-red eyes at me. "Are you mad?"

"I get to fuck a strange robo-chassis...without cheating...ON THE MOON?"

"Uh-huh."

I grabbed her, kissed her like she'd never been kissed (since the last time I'd kissed her), and carried her over to the slope of a crater. "Baby, you're the greatest."

"Bang, zoom!" she said back, at a contextually hilarious and sexy moment, if you get my drift.

[text served by BLOGTRONIC]