Facebook Is Hitler

There are a lot of people trying to convince you that various things are Hitler nowadays. Obama is Hitler. Health care reform is Hitler. The economic bailout is Hitler. (Interestingly, according to these people, the same things are also "socialism", which, if you know anything at all about Hitler, is the most ignorant thing you've ever heard. Right, Bill O'Reilly?)

None of these things, of course, are actually Hitler. In fact, the only thing I've encountered in my life which can legitimately argued to be similar to Hitler is Facebook.

I know what you're thinking. "Oh, haha, Kevin, Facebook isn't that bad." True, except it really is. The sort of unthinking society of followers that the "Facebook generation" represents is as disturbing to me as the insanity that led a trollish art-school failure to become the most feared and hated figure of 20th Century evil. Now, I don't think that Facebookers are going to be gassing Jews or invading Europe. But I do think that people are giving away their souls to an individuality-sucking corporate cult of branding.

Earlier today, I got a couple invites from some relatives on Facebook to join some app called "We're Related." What the hell, I thought. I'll make my aunt and my stepfather happy and join this little thing. As soon as I hit that "accept" button, the virus started working. "Choose these other friends to be related to," it enthused. "Fill in your relationship to these people," it ordered. "Manage your family updates!" "Wait, you haven't done this other thing!" "Wait, there are still aspects of your life unsullied by this application!" "What are you doing?" "Get back here and finish what you started!" "NOBODY LEAVES BUSINESS UNFINISHED!"

I eventually just shut the whole thing down and erased it from my profile, but I suspect it's still worming its way around in there, goosestepping its way through Facebook and keeping the rest of my information in line.

That's the indisious thing about Facebook. It's not happy enough for you to be a part of the game. No, it asks you to inform on your friends, family and neighbors, too. It's a self-perpetuating sickness. Are you a member of the party? Why not? Don't you love your family?

From the ever-present branding to the simple fact that everybody's profile looks the same, Facebook promotes homogeneity at every turn. It won't rest until the games you're playing are the games that everybody's playing. And if you choose not to participate, people look at you askance and whisper suspiciously among themselves: "He's not playing. What makes him so special? MAYBE HE DOESN'T BELIEVE!"

So, pardon me, Facebook, but I've had enough of your rallies and book-burnings. I'm joining the resistance. I'll keep the profile just so the odd family member can get in touch with me in an emergency, but I'm taking off my Hitler Youth outfit.