VOLCANO FUCKER--Scene 3

3. EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS

It's a cabin in the woods, the sort that a mean old man would probably live in. It's all disrepaired and ramshackle, and there are racoons and shit running all over. A truck pulls into view, and the audience is THRILLED to discover that it's the Volcano Fucker's truck. Finally! That establishing shot of the cabin was a whole ten or so seconds with no hunky Australian guy in the picture.

The truck opens and out steps Volcano Fucker, and the Mayor steps out of the other side, and she's looking so damp and dishevelled that you wonder if maybe she had it off with Volcano Fucker on the way up here, which is a distinct possibility.

Volcano Fucker zips up his fly.

The front door of the cabin FLIES open and out steps WOODROW REAGAN, this old guy who refuses to move off the mountain like these movies always have.

WOODROW REAGAN
Git offa my property, you dern city kids!

MAYOR
Woodrow, you need to move off the mountain
before the volcano explodes all over your cabin!
I've told you several times!

WOODROW REAGAN
Flazzem floo! I've live on this here mountain
for dern on flazzee years and I'll be murfle
mum dern flizzemed if I'm a-gonna move
off of it!

VOLCANO FUCKER
Pardon me, old man, but I think if you
check, you'll find that you forgot to put in
your dentures in your haste to yell at the
city folk.

The old man checks his shrivelled jaw and realizes that Volcano Fucker is right, so he RUNS back into the cabin. Volcano Fucker shares a look with the Mayor that speaks volumes about something, and soon the old man comes back out, and his face looks normal because he put his teeth in.

WOODROW REAGAN
Terribly sorry about that. I seldom receive
visitors and tend to forget my manners.
(he sounds British now...talk to
some of those British actors from
Harry potter)
Now, I've made my position clear, madam
Mayor. I simply will not be moved from this
mountain. It is my ancestral home.

MAYOR
(desperate)
But it'll spew hot lava all over you, possibly
on your face!
(the Mayor dabs at her
face with a hanky)
I mean, hot smoky lava! From the volcano!

The Mayor points up at the VOLCANO, and there's a big swooping cgi shot like something out of LORD OF THE RINGS [check and see if maybe we can use some of their Mount Doom shit they have lying around]. The audience will be totally impressed with how much money we spent.

The Volcano Fucker strikes a dramatic pose.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Mr. Reagan, we need to get you off of this
mountain faster than a wallaby goes fingo
off a drubber!

[We should do some reasearch to see if any of that is actual Australian slang.]

WOODROW REAGAN
My lord, you're Australian, aren't you? Could
it be...that you are the legendary Volcano
Fucker?

VOLCANO FUCKER
It could be, and is, sir. I mean to fuck your
smoky lava volcano, if you'll pardon my
lingo, and I mean to roger it good, like a
slubba drings a golla-wandoo.

WOODROW REAGAN
Your Australian slang is quite eccentric.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Thank you.

The Mayor is sort of jogging in place and looking really anxious and sometimes touching her boobs.

MAYOR
We need to get him off the mountain!

VOLCANO FUCKER
The sheila's right, by crikey! You don't
want to be around when I lay it to this
volcano, Woodrow.

WOODROW REAGAN
Well, I wasn't afraid of a little eruption, but
this is a different story! Hold on while I pack
my things.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Let me give you a hand, old-timer.
(he looks at the Mayor)
I like to "pack" "things", if you get
my meaning, madam.
(he drops a huge wink
and helpfully
points to it so
everybody notices)

MAYOR
(multiple orgasming)
Hurry!

VOLCANO FUCKER Tee Shirt

Only two scenes in, you know that Volcano Fucker is the most amazing movie you have ever, uh...read. You've probably been thinking: "This movie is so awesome, if only I could wear it on my chest!"

Well, NOW YOU CAN.

Presenting the Volcano Fucker Tee Shirt:


The full text reads: "VOLCANO FUCKER, coming in a volcano near you, R-RESTRICTED, for totally awesome scenes of hardcore volcano fucking."

You obviously need to own this thing, which is available here: here.

VOLCANO FUCKER--Scene 2

2. INT. AN OFFICE WITH MAPS AND PAPERS AND OTHER NERD STUFF AROUND.

Volcano Fucker and the Mayor walk into the room, and there is a total GEEKY NERD LOSER in there who gives Volcano Fucker a look that says, "I both hate you and am totally jealous of how awesome you are and maybe I'm a little gay for you." There are pictures of the volcano and stuff around.

MAYOR
(rubbing her awesome ass)
What makes you so interested in
our volcano?

VOLCANO FUCKER
Well, Mayor...there are two kinds
of volcanoes...the lava kind and
the smoky kind. Your volcano is
the rarest third kind: the smoky
lava volcano, which is a kind
I've never fucked, though I've
always wanted to.

MAYOR
(moistly)
Really?

GEEKY NERD LOSER
Uh, (snort), obviously this man knows
nothing about volcanoes.
(picks nose)
Smoky lava, indeed!

MAYOR
Oh, yes, this geeky loser is Lance. He's
our resident Volcano-ologist...scientist
guy.

GEEKY NERD LOSER
(like a geeky nerd loser)
It's called "vulcanologist" (snort)
I'm so sure.

MAYOR
Will making love to the volcano stop it from
erupting?

GEEK NAMED LANCE, WHICH IS A TOTAL FAG NAME
(snort)

VOLCANO FUCKER
Well, let me tell you...sometimes yes, and
sometimes no. If I can get the volcano to
what I call "lavagasm" without actually
erupting, we just might have a chance
of saving your town...but, truthfully,
I'm only interesting in fucking them. I
like to fuck volcanoes with ATTITUDE!

COMPLETE DORK-ASS LANCE
Mayor, this man knows NOTHING about
volcanoes! They do not "lavagasm"!

The Volcano Fucker spins around dramatically, looking at that shithead Lance for the first time, as the camera spins all around him and you can see in the background that the Mayor is having another orgasm [this time you can tell just from the acting, which will be so good. Maybe the chick will be Method and have an actual orgasm?].

VOLCANO FUCKER
Excuse me, Lance...but how many volcanoes
have YOU fucked?

With special effects, we see that Lance's penis actually gets smaller in his pants.

MAYOR
Goddamnit, Lance, let's help this man fuck
that volcano!

There is a fancy whip-pan over to Lance, and then back to Volcano Fucker, and then you see that the Mayor has a spreading wet spot on the crotch of her pants.

VOLCANO FUCKER--Scene 1

1. EXT. TREES AND STUFF LIKE THEY HAVE IN OREGON OR WHATEVER

The scene: a quiet Pacific Northwest town. A rusty red truck rolls into view. It parks in front of the hardware store. The driver's door opens, and out step two rugged boots. The camera pans up the thick legs and bulging crotch of a square-jawed and stubbly Australian man: THE VOLCANO FUCKER.

As he scans the town with his piercing blue eyes, a fetching young woman, blond, with big breasts, comes up to him and gazes at him lustfully.

LUSTFUL MAYOR
(holding her boobs)
I'm the mayor. Who are you, stranger?

VOLCANO FUCKER
(with a sexy Australian accent)
I'm a guy that plays by his own rules.
I hear you have a volcano that's
givin' you trouble.

He gazes handsomely at the smoking peak that towers over the little village. Wow, it's big.

VOLCANO FUCKER
Wow, that's a big sheila.
(because he's Australian,
remember? That's slang
they use down there)

MAYOR
Are you going to stop it?

The VOLCANO FUCKER adjusts his bulging crotch, causing the MAYOR to silently orgasm [use special effects to show this].

VOLCANO FUCKER
No ma'am...I mean to fuck that volcano.

Big dramatic music swells, and the camera swoops into his crotch-bulge for a fade-out.