No, You're Not a Pervert

Attention, ladies and gentlemen of the world: you are not a pervert if you merely think about sex all the time, or if you stare at asses, or if you fantasize about sucking dick. Thinking about sex all the time is normal: it's what perpetuates our species. When I'm chatting with a lady and mention offhandedly that I'm a pervert, and she goes, "Omigod, me too!", odds are the poor soul doesn't really know what she's talking about.

Being a pervert is not simply really liking sex. If you make dick jokes all the time, it does not make you a pervert. I know this because I am a pervert, and I've worked hard to become one. I have visited some of the darkest and dankest corners of the Internet and challenged my sexuality in many different ways to come to the conclusion that yep, I'm a fucking deviant.

Have you ever listened at the door while a woman is using the bathroom? Have you ever worried about what will happen if you die suddenly without being able to clear out your computer first? Have you ever found a pair of lacy underwear in the communal dryer in your apartment building and used it as a masturbation prop? Have you ever done anything to yourself that you feel a little bit weird about afterwards? I may or may not have experience with these examples. Now, I would never force myself on anybody, I'm not a molestation risk, and there's nothing on my computer that is illegal (except maybe in this state), but the fact that I'm not dangerous does not preclude me from being way freakier than most people would be willing to admit.

So, what's the point? Well, the point is, when you call yourself a pervert, and you're actually just a person who has a healthy interest in butts and boobs and boners, you denigrate the hard work I've put into becoming the genuine article, and in a weird way, that sort of offends me. You don't get to claim perversion when you haven't earned it any more than a baggy-pants white boy gets to claim solidarity with the black struggle. If you haven't put in the hours in the porn-shop jerk-off booth, don't step to me with your phony "pervert" label.

Let's Talk Sexual Fetish

We all have them, after all, even those of you who claim not to. Even you women who claim to have no kinks eventually reveal that you like to be tied up, or that you like watching men make out with each other. It's human nature, after all.

My primary fetish, for instance, is watching women urinate. I don't feel like this is much of a big deal, because if the internet has taught me anything, it's that there are a lot of frigging people who feel the same. I don't know the numbers exactly, but judging by how many hits you get when you type "pissing porn" into Google (over 8 million of them), it's a significant number. So significant that I'd say it's not beyond the realm of probability that somebody reading this post also likes to watch the ladies on the toilet (you filthy pervert).

When it comes to sexual talk, with friends at parties and what have you, there's a line, it seems, beyond which nothing shall be discussed. Ladies can talk about the sort of men then like, their preferred penis size, and men can talk about whether they like blonds or Asians or cheerleader costumes, but if you chime up and mention that you like to watch girls pee, everybody will get all awkward and change the subject. I think that's because when it comes to sex, people like to discuss universals rather than specifics, lest they actually reveal something about themselves. After all, who doesn't like cheerleaders, right? It's a no-risk proposition confessing that you like girls in cheerleader costumes. It's a mild fetish that's still socially acceptable. In fact, it would probably be considered weird if you didn't like girls in cheerleader costumes. (I prefer schoolgirl costumes, myself.)

Women generally don't seem to think that a pee fetish is much of a big deal. I figure they must think, "Well, I pee all the time anyway. If I can turn him on by letting him watch, that's a pretty easy deal for me." Also, some men are much bigger perverts than me, and I think just about every woman has been with at least one guy that blows my kink out of the water. However, when I told a male I used to be very close with (family-wise) about the same thing, just in casual conversation, he fucking flipped out. He simply could not accept that I could find anything erotic about urination, and he brought it up almost every future time the subject of sex was raised (as it was frequently, since we were guys, and that's what guys talk about). Eventually, he had twisted my fetish into something so reprehensible that he felt completely justified in stealing my girlfriend from me behind my back. (We don't talk any more.) The truly bizarre thing is that I've known him his entire life, during which time he has said things to me like: when he was young, he sexually experimented with farm animals; when he masturbates, he lets his dog lick the semen off of his hand; and he enjoys going down on women when they are menstruating. These things are all perfectly normal as far as he is concerned, even though, guess what: yeah, I've never done any of them, because they are disgusting to me. However, I didn't judge him the way he judged me over a little pee.

And really, what's the purpose in judging? Your kink and somebody else's kink are just two different versions of the same phenomenon: getting all uptight because you found out your friend likes shemales or your sister likes rubber is silly and dishonest. Because I may like urine, but you've fucked dogs by your own admission, so which of us has the real problem?

So, what I'm saying is, maybe we should all get a little less uptight about all of this. In a world where politicians are constantly being busted for having fetish sex with prostitutes, maybe it's okay to tell the people you trust about what turns you on. After all, if you told somebody about it, maybe you wouldn't have to go to a hooker to get it. I also don't think it's very healthy to have so many deep, dark secrets. They eat away at you, you know?

So anyway, my name is Kevin Wolf, and I like to watch girls pee. Big deal.

What about you?